Sufficient Grace

I do not really know where to start or how to articulate my emotions into words, but writing is therapeutic for me, so I am going to try. On Monday, April 24, at 19 weeks pregnant to the day, I had a scheduled 3D/4D ultrasound to determine baby’s gender. I do have an ultrasound probe at home, but had purposefully not scanned myself. Initially, we were unsure if we were going to find out baby’s gender and, later on, after deciding we would, we just wanted to enjoy watching the surprise together on the screen. On Sunday evening, one day before the scheduled ultrasound, I decided on a whim, just before bed, I was just going to charge up my ultrasound probe and take a “sneak peek” of baby. Strange timing I know, especially after waiting so long, but I am so thankful we did this. I put the probe on my abdomen and we quickly saw we were having a sweet baby girl. We witnessed her strong heartbeat and we even laughed together as we watched her suck her thumb. Such a sweet little image that I am so thankful we have. Monday afternoon arrived and we traveled to the ultrasound appointment as scheduled. Shockingly, and painfully beyond words, we saw right away that our baby girl’s heart was no longer beating, which was confirmed again on ultrasound at my obstetrician’s office on Wednesday. That afternoon, I had to choose between a D&E or induction of labor. I cannot even try right now to put all of that pain into words. That will come. I spent that afternoon praying and, if you know me, through all of my tears, reading research article after research article about my options. At the end of the day, I had complete peace in the decision that I had to deliver this baby and hold her in my arms. On Thursday, I was admitted to the hospital for induction of labor to deliver our precious baby girl whose heart was no longer beating. As I entered the hospital’s main entrance, I knew I would have to walk the same path I had walked seven times prior, each of those times filled with such joy, excitement, and anticipation at the birth of a new baby. Outwardly, this walk was the exact same journey as the seven times before, but, inwardly, a painful contrast to all of those feelings. I made it into my room, but not without another flood of emotions. Everything felt so hard. The induction began and I labored most of the day, but not without the prayers of so many special people. You know who you are, and I could never say thank you enough. I also had my amazing circle of friends checking in on me and constantly letting me know I was in their thoughts. I will never forget the genuine care and concern I felt from them. A friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than one who only knows your smile. Most importantly, and I do not know how else to put it into words except to say, God was with me. I felt his presence. I sensed His peace. And, He gave me strength, just as He promised in His Word He would. Despite all of this pain, of one thing I am absolutely certain, God is good, so, so good, and He is faithful. On April 27 at 5:48 pm, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who weighed 4.8 ounces and was 7.5 inches long. We held her, and held her again, and again, as we said our final, but temporary, goodbyes, knowing this would be the last time we would see the sweet face of our baby girl here on Earth. I never watched her take a breath. I never felt her heart beat against my chest. I never heard her cry or saw her open her eyes, and yet I love her like I love each of my children, just the same. Love is powerful, and love is painful, but now I see more clearly through this pain how infinitely and unconditionally God loves us, how He knew us, even before He formed us in the womb. God also knows my pain, as He too watched His only son suffer and die, and to think that He did that because of His love for me. God’s love is truly overwhelming. Though I may never understand the why, I trust that He sees the bigger picture. And, finally, in the middle of this immense sadness, I witnessed a miracle, the birth of a perfectly formed 4.8 ounce human being, made in God’s image, so tiny yet so complete, 10 little toes, 10 little fingers, a perfect little face that I will never forget, engraved in my heart. I studied her perfect little ears and gazed at her tiny little fingernails, all fully formed, amazed at God’s intricate design for the human body. She was a wonder created by God, and I found so much beauty in this miracle in the midst of such a sad moment. The pain, it comes in waves, and the tears like a flood, but, because of Jesus, I know there will come a day that my baby girl, having lived a life never knowing the pain of this world, will run into my arms. Her name is Emryn Selah (Emryn – God is with me. Selah – It is an invitation to rest in His refuge and strength.) God was certainly with us, and, as I remember my baby girl, I will continue to rest in His refuge and strength, and I will look for beauty to rise from these ashes. Emryn Selah, to the one who looks at me from Heaven, I miss you more than you will ever know. Love, Mom  and I will look for beauty to rise from these ashes. Emryn Selah, to the one who looks at me from Heaven, I miss you more than you will ever know. Love, Mom  

2 Corinthians 12:9 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.